It's Been Two Years

Between my junior and senior year of college, I started to get sick to my stomach for no apparent reason. Nausea and stomach pain soon became the constant norm, and it was particularly bad in the mornings. I dropped about 15 pounds, ate a lot of Club crackers, and frankly, I was a miserable wreck. We visited multiple doctors, had dozens of tests run, and no one could give me answers. They ended up taking out my gall bladder, but that didn't solve the problem, either. I remember sitting doubled over in pain one day and telling God I didn't care if He made me fat, I just wanted to be better. [Ha - I took that one back.] But I was desperate - for answers and for relief. I was at the point where I was sick all day every day and I just wanted to feel normal again.

Randy, amazing guy that he is, still married me. About 7 months into marriage, we made the decision to go off birth control because it was intensifying the nausea and it was also making me a bit crazy (think buckets of tears every single night, bless the man). And 13 months into marriage, surprise! I will never forget the feeling of seeing those two lines on that pregnancy test. Complete, unadulterated, mind-numbing, heart-racing panic is really the simplest way to describe it. ;) But the shock eventually wore off and we truly were thrilled to become parents. My nausea and stomach pain continued throughout my pregnancy, some days worse than others. I drank a lot of ginger ale. 

But 9 months later when I finally got to meet our sweet Landon with his beautiful dark hair and adorable button nose, I stopped getting sick. I woke up every morning without nausea. The awful stomach pains disappeared. Wouldn't you know it? 

For reasons I don't understand and can't explain, having a baby healed my body.

Landon is four and a half this month. I feel like he was born yesterday and yet it's like I've always known him. He is happy and stubborn and tender and exhausting and amazing. His story is a big part of who I am today.

Our journey really began two years ago this month. August 26th, 2013, a sweltering hot Monday morning in Pensacola. A little after 11:00, the neurologist who'd evaluated Landon several weeks before sat down across from us. "He came back positive for DiGeorge Syndrome," he said, kindly and a bit hesitantly. It's crazy how seven little words can turn your life upside down before you even realize what they actually mean. But I've told you that story.

These two years have not been easy. If I'm being honest, they have been the hardest years of my life. I feel like I've aged in a thousand ways and I have extra wrinkles to prove it. But I've already told you about my dark days, my struggle to be content, my anger against God's plan. I have had a lot of breaking points and felt the very real, lonely burden of special needs parenting. (One day I will write a blog post on the specifics of all that. I've started and stopped a hundred times.)

But if there is one thing I see over and over again in Landon's story, it is the amazing love of God for me. I know that doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense, particularly when you know how I've struggled. But here's the thing. I needed healing - and I didn't even realize it. Truth is, I am a huge control freak. I want my universe in order all the time. I want my house and my children and my circumstances to be exactly as I think they should be. And that control makes me impatient and angry and annoyed and honestly, quite overwhelmed at times. 

So you know what God did? He knocked the bottom out from under me. He took Becca's well-laid plans and destroyed them. He made me realize I have no control over anything, even when I think I do. 

But he didn't do any of that in spite. No, He broke me in order to heal me. In God's gracious, undeserved kindness, He gifted me with a little boy that is healing my wayward, stubborn, controlling heart. He chose to prune me and change me more into His Son's image through giving me Landon. And because He loves me, because He delights to do me good, and because He wants to draw me close to His heart, He is using Landon to make me less dependent on myself and more dependent on Him and His grace. He is opening my eyes to sin I didn't realize I had. I am (slowly) losing my grip on control and learning to cast myself on Him. 

Healing is often painful, slow, and at times, it seems impossible. Particularly when you're Becca and born with the stubbornness of a mule. But the end result? Worth it.

You know when you have a secret, a really, really good one? You can't tell anybody, and no one would really get how excited you are about it, anyway, because it's particular to you. That's how I feel. Landon is my secret. I'm amazed and overwhelmed and a bit giddy that I get to be his mommy. That doesn't mean I walk around on Cloud Nine all day. Ask my best friends and they'll tell you quite a different story, usually spelled out in "I'M GOING CRAZY. HELP ME" texts. But in spite of the struggles, the heartache, the anxieties, and the fears, my heart is bursting with love for this amazing boy full of personality and humor and a whole lotta crazy. Landon is not DiGeorge Syndrome and he never will be. He is Landon and he was perfectly created by a wise God. And he is perfect for me. 

When I held Landon for the first time four and a half years ago, I never thought he was somehow the key to bringing healing to my sick body. But more than that, I had no idea God would use Him to begin a journey of healing my soul.

And none of this could be true without the beautiful, wonderful Cross of Jesus and the inexplicable, boundless love of God that sent us His beloved Son.

Our pastor closed with these words from Romans 8 a couple months ago, and I haven't been able to get them out of my mind (emphasis mine):

If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since He did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won't He also give us everything else? 

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.

No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God is weaving a tapestry that I still cannot see completely. But He has let me take a peek at its beauty. And while I am amazed by His work in the shape of Landon, I am truly in awe of the Artist.

It's Been A Year

[if you are viewing this on a mobile device, click the link at the bottom to play "My Hope." it has special meaning to me in regards to our sweet Landon.]

One year ago today, Randy and I sat across from a pediatric neurologist and our world turned upside down in a matter of seconds: "What's concerning is Landon's genetic testing," he told us. "He came back positive for DiGeorge Syndrome..."

I will never forget the feeling that gripped my heart in that moment. I wanted to scream, "No! NO! You're wrong! There's been a horrible mistake! Don't you see him running around the room? He's FINE!" But I couldn't breathe. I felt cold, sick, and so very, very scared.

I wrote a post the next week. It was still all very fresh and it was hard, but I was okay. God was in control and we were going to be fine. And now, a year later, I could tell you I've faithfully held to all those truths I posted about. I've never once doubted God's wise plan in giving us Landon. I've responded to every struggle with perfect trust in the sovereign purposes of God. I'm always patient with Landon's delays (because I'm totally a patient person to begin with, you know). I never worry about his future because I know God is in control of it. There is no place for anxiety and fear in my picture-perfect life. In fact, I'm pretty much full of joy all the time!

But that would be lying.

The truth is, I have been angry. So angry. I have, in essence, shaken my fist at heaven and told God He made a terrible mistake. Sure, okay, every person is "fearfully and wonderfully made," genes missing and all. But my kid shouldn't have to suffer because of that. Not mine. 

He's mine, God. 

I have felt completely incompetent as a "special needs mom" - okay, a mom in general. I've complained to Randy on a weekly basis. I've lain awake countless nights worrying, desperately trying to grasp at things I can control. If I just follow this plan, he will be okay. More flashcards will help, right? Maybe organic food. And no sugar. Like, ever. If I just put him in the most intensive therapy and the best schools, he will catch up. It will all be okay. I have lost patience more times than I care to remember. I've yelled at my kids because I've felt like I was losing control of my life in a big way. I have curled up in a ball on the floor and cried angry, bitter tears, wondering if God left us a long time ago. Or was He ever with us? This must all must be some sort of sick, senseless joke.

You think that's ugly, friends? It is. Sin is ugly.

But I'm not here to talk about my sin. I'm here to tell you about my Jesus. Every time I have run from Him, every time I have shaken my fist at Him, every time I have complained about His plan, every time I have felt myself spiraling out of control - He has not let go of me. In fact, He has pursued me. Instead of leaving me in a puddle of sin, self-pity, and sorrow, He has tenderly, lovingly picked me up and turned my heart back to Truth, back to the Gospel, back to the Cross where Jesus already erased my sin - my anger, my bitterness, my fear, my faithless heart. When you realize Jesus has taken care of everything through His death and resurrection, you realize there really is nothing to fear.

You see, Landon's story isn't about him, or me, or Randy... it's about our God. When we are faithless, He remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:15). My lack of trust in His goodness does not change the fact that He is good (Psalm 107:1). He doesn't love me more on Friday because I did a better job at trusting Him then. His love is perfect, unchanging, never-failing -- because when He looks at me, He sees nothing but the righteousness of Jesus. His wise and kind hands gifted Landon to us three and a half years ago, and it is those same hands that will give us grace in both the good times and the hard times. 

It is these truths about God's character that make Landon's story worth telling. 

And Landon isn't punishment. Oh no, friends. He is the most amazingly beautiful gift God has ever entrusted us with. I told my mom recently I wish everyone could have a little Landon to get a taste of how incredibly sweet it is to be his parents. Randy and I spend so much time laughing at his crazy, hilarious, little self. [I also totally cry at his stubbornness, but that's par for the course with parenting, I think.] Having a special needs child has been hard for our marriage in many ways, but at the same time, it has been so, so good for us - it has drawn us closer than anything else we've experienced. I am so grateful for a husband who reminds me of Truth, even when I know his heart is weary, too. [I am also grateful for a husband who brings me Dunkin Donuts when I've had a rough day. He knows my love language.]

Landon is doing so great. His articulation has improved drastically in the last month, and it is SO fun to to watch. I think the biggest thing I've noticed is that he's actually motivated now - I mean, still totally stubborn, but he actually wants to try versus stubbornly saying "no." I almost wonder if the little stinker could do it all along but refused... Just so much like... his father. ;-) He still has a long way to go, but as my sweet mama reminded me, "Bec, you can't compare Landon to other kids his age... you have to compare him to himself." And he's come so, so far in the last year! I am so very proud of him and thankful for answered prayers. God has great things in store for that boy.

Landon loves The Jesus Storybook Bible, and I was reading one of the stories about David's psalms to him the other night. I love the paraphrase of Psalm 23. I never want Landon to doubt our love for him, but more than that, I want him to know that when he entrusts his soul to the Good Shepherd, no matter what struggles he faces, he will never, ever be alone. I am thankful we are never too old to outgrow these truths.

God is my Shepherd

And I am his little lamb.

He feeds me.

He guides me.

He looks after me.

I have everything I need.

Inside my heart is very quiet.

As quiet as lying still in soft green grass.

In a meadow.

By a little stream.

Even when I walk through

the dark, scary, lonely places

I won't be afraid.

Because my Shepherd knows where I am.

He is here with me.

He keeps me safe.

He rescues me.

He makes me strong

and brave.

He is getting wonderful things ready for me

Especially for me

Everything I ever dreamed of.

He fills my heart so full of happiness.

I can't hold it all inside.

Wherever I go I know

God's Never Stopping

Never Giving Up

Unbreaking

Always and Forever Love 

Will go, too.

 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17 )