One year ago today, Randy and I sat across from a pediatric neurologist and our world turned upside down in a matter of seconds: "What's concerning is Landon's genetic testing," he told us. "He came back positive for DiGeorge Syndrome..."
I will never forget the feeling that gripped my heart in that moment. I wanted to scream, "No! NO! You're wrong! There's been a horrible mistake! Don't you see him running around the room? He's FINE!" But I couldn't breathe. I felt cold, sick, and so very, very scared.
I wrote a post the next week. It was still all very fresh and it was hard, but I was okay. God was in control and we were going to be fine. And now, a year later, I could tell you I've faithfully held to all those truths I posted about. I've never once doubted God's wise plan in giving us Landon. I've responded to every struggle with perfect trust in the sovereign purposes of God. I'm always patient with Landon's delays (because I'm totally a patient person to begin with, you know). I never worry about his future because I know God is in control of it. There is no place for anxiety and fear in my picture-perfect life. In fact, I'm pretty much full of joy all the time!
But that would be lying.
The truth is, I have been angry. So angry. I have, in essence, shaken my fist at heaven and told God He made a terrible mistake. Sure, okay, every person is "fearfully and wonderfully made," genes missing and all. But my kid shouldn't have to suffer because of that. Not mine.
He's mine, God.
I have felt completely incompetent as a "special needs mom" - okay, a mom in general. I've complained to Randy on a weekly basis. I've lain awake countless nights worrying, desperately trying to grasp at things I can control. If I just follow this plan, he will be okay. More flashcards will help, right? Maybe organic food. And no sugar. Like, ever. If I just put him in the most intensive therapy and the best schools, he will catch up. It will all be okay. I have lost patience more times than I care to remember. I've yelled at my kids because I've felt like I was losing control of my life in a big way. I have curled up in a ball on the floor and cried angry, bitter tears, wondering if God left us a long time ago. Or was He ever with us? This must all must be some sort of sick, senseless joke.
You think that's ugly, friends? It is. Sin is ugly.
But I'm not here to talk about my sin. I'm here to tell you about my Jesus. Every time I have run from Him, every time I have shaken my fist at Him, every time I have complained about His plan, every time I have felt myself spiraling out of control - He has not let go of me. In fact, He has pursued me. Instead of leaving me in a puddle of sin, self-pity, and sorrow, He has tenderly, lovingly picked me up and turned my heart back to Truth, back to the Gospel, back to the Cross where Jesus already erased my sin - my anger, my bitterness, my fear, my faithless heart. When you realize Jesus has taken care of everything through His death and resurrection, you realize there really is nothing to fear.
You see, Landon's story isn't about him, or me, or Randy... it's about our God. When we are faithless, He remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:15). My lack of trust in His goodness does not change the fact that He is good (Psalm 107:1). He doesn't love me more on Friday because I did a better job at trusting Him then. His love is perfect, unchanging, never-failing -- because when He looks at me, He sees nothing but the righteousness of Jesus. His wise and kind hands gifted Landon to us three and a half years ago, and it is those same hands that will give us grace in both the good times and the hard times.
It is these truths about God's character that make Landon's story worth telling.
And Landon isn't punishment. Oh no, friends. He is the most amazingly beautiful gift God has ever entrusted us with. I told my mom recently I wish everyone could have a little Landon to get a taste of how incredibly sweet it is to be his parents. Randy and I spend so much time laughing at his crazy, hilarious, little self. [I also totally cry at his stubbornness, but that's par for the course with parenting, I think.] Having a special needs child has been hard for our marriage in many ways, but at the same time, it has been so, so good for us - it has drawn us closer than anything else we've experienced. I am so grateful for a husband who reminds me of Truth, even when I know his heart is weary, too. [I am also grateful for a husband who brings me Dunkin Donuts when I've had a rough day. He knows my love language.]
Landon is doing so great. His articulation has improved drastically in the last month, and it is SO fun to to watch. I think the biggest thing I've noticed is that he's actually motivated now - I mean, still totally stubborn, but he actually wants to try versus stubbornly saying "no." I almost wonder if the little stinker could do it all along but refused... Just so much like... his father. ;-) He still has a long way to go, but as my sweet mama reminded me, "Bec, you can't compare Landon to other kids his age... you have to compare him to himself." And he's come so, so far in the last year! I am so very proud of him and thankful for answered prayers. God has great things in store for that boy.
Landon loves The Jesus Storybook Bible, and I was reading one of the stories about David's psalms to him the other night. I love the paraphrase of Psalm 23. I never want Landon to doubt our love for him, but more than that, I want him to know that when he entrusts his soul to the Good Shepherd, no matter what struggles he faces, he will never, ever be alone. I am thankful we are never too old to outgrow these truths.
God is my Shepherd
And I am his little lamb.
He feeds me.
He guides me.
He looks after me.
I have everything I need.
Inside my heart is very quiet.
As quiet as lying still in soft green grass.
In a meadow.
By a little stream.
Even when I walk through
the dark, scary, lonely places
I won't be afraid.
Because my Shepherd knows where I am.
He is here with me.
He keeps me safe.
He rescues me.
He makes me strong
and brave.
He is getting wonderful things ready for me
Especially for me
Everything I ever dreamed of.
He fills my heart so full of happiness.
I can't hold it all inside.
Wherever I go I know
God's Never Stopping
Never Giving Up
Unbreaking
Always and Forever Love
Will go, too.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17 )
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17 )
