But God... It's Not Fair

We were reading in Landon's bed before his nap this past week. I snuggled him close, smelling the scent of his freshly-washed hair. I couldn't help it; the tears came. For some reason, certain days are harder. "I just want you to be able to talk," I said, trying to smile through my tears. "I just want you to be okay."

He smiled his sweet smile back at me and nodded. "Uh-huh," he said, almost as if he were telling me it would be okay.

There are times when I am watching him play happily, giggling with his brother, being silly with his daddy, or sleeping peacefully, and just like that, the happy thoughts are replaced with accusations and questions.

It's not fair.

It shouldn't be Landon.

Couldn't You have picked someone else?

He doesn't deserve this.

It's just not fair, God.

So easily, I question the working of Providence. I doubt. I fear.  

But God never leaves me there. He gently pushes my mind back to Truth. 

And the truth is, I'm actually right (for once). It isn't fair. 

It isn't fair that God allowed me to have a baby. It isn't fair that he is healthy and beautiful and strong. It isn't fair that I get to stay at home with my babies and watch them grow and learn. It isn't fair that my children have an absolutely amazing daddy. It isn't fair that I have received such sweet, precious gifts.

Then again, Grace isn't fair.

As always, the battle for contentment comes back to thankfulness. I'm a slow learner, but He is a patient Father.